THE LOWER CHAMBER — The Shadow Council has acknowledged that a substantial proportion of human affairs are now unfolding without its direction, supervision, or even a courtesy email.
The finding emerged from an internal audit intended to demonstrate the council’s effectiveness. Instead, analysts discovered that the committee responsible for “general instability” had not met since its chair lost the video-call password in 2019.
“We reviewed the last quarter and couldn’t find a single purchase order,” said deputy convenor Sserena Voss, pictured above with her colleague. “A lot of things are certainly happening. We just don’t appear to be doing them.”
The report identified several developments previously attributed to reptilian influence that were, in fact, the result of ordinary humans being ambitious, tired, or left unsupervised with a spreadsheet.
One senior official described the situation as professionally humiliating. “I spent four millennia cultivating an air of sinister competence,” he said. “It turns out half my reputation is a coincidence.”
The council rejected calls to issue a public correction, noting that the public did not officially know it existed and that a correction would create a complicated communications problem.
Instead, it approved a new strategic priority: taking credit more selectively.
Officials confirmed that the weather committee remains fully operational. Its entire budget continues to be spent on a single, very comfortable heat lamp.